A girl can feel so trapped inside of herself for such a long time to where she feels like no one in the world will be able to love her again. And that girl just so happens to be me. My name is Spencer and I am trapped. I’m sixteen years old and I can’t help but not think or feel that I can’t trust anyone. I have my two best friends, Ranai and Jaiden, and my mother Celeste. Those are the only people who I really talk to on a daily basis.
I’ve known Ranai and Jaiden since first grade and we’re still friends until this day. Now that we’re juniors in high school we’re trying to focus more on helping each other succeed and helping each other with our problems. I still remember the day we all met in Mrs. Divine’s class. We all sat on opposite sides of the class because all of us were too shy to speak, by the time lunch came we were all friends, we’ve been through a lot together these past eleven years. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot to the point where you wouldn’t even know or understand. We have these sayings that gets us through the days we’re having a hard time like, “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.” Or “Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all.” You may be thinking “Whoa! These kids are crazy!” but we’re really not. We’re just three kids who just don’t care about some of the stuff that most teens do.
My mother Celeste is the only person I look up to. She’s been through her own set of problems as well, and now that she’s a single mother it’s very hard on her. I barely see her anymore because she’s always working. My mother is a nurse and she’s on-call, so whenever the doctor needs her she has to go, no questions asked. My mother is like my diary, I tell her everything and she never judges me. She gives me the best advice that anyone could ever do and I really appreciate all that she has done for me.
I live by two main quotes “Not all scars show, not all wounds heal. Sometimes you don’t know the pain someone else feels.” and the other one is “Words hurt more than anything else can, because they last, sometimes forever.” That’s why I try not to say anything to anyone, I don’t want to say the wrong thing and then they go off on me. I don’t want to be the person feeling guilty on the outcome. You never know what someone is going through but when you find out you will be surprised. I try to place myself in everyone’s shoes so I can understand why I do the things I do.
Ranai is the mess talker of the trio. She always gets herself into trouble then comes running to me and Jaiden, then gets mad when we say I told you so. She always says “What happened? How come you guys aren’t into drama like I am?” I always say “What happened? Life happened, and you can’t change life itself, you can only change the life you’re living within. Determination is all I need to persue my goals in life and that is never going to change. You should think this way too.” Jaiden never has anything to say about these types of situations, he just shakes his head and laughs. Ranai is slowly but surely changing as the days go by.
Jaiden is the rock that holds all of us together. No matter what he’s going through at home he always tries his best to keep this friendship together. Without him, I don’t think all of us would’ve lasted this long. Jaiden is in a foster home, his parents abandoned him when he was a baby and he was adopted by his aunt when he was six, about around the time when we met each other. We’ve done some of the craziest stuff together, but hey what are friends for? You wouldn’t imagine how strong he is. And he honestly helps me with my problems more than anyone else in the world besides my mother. Jaiden is definitely an amazing friend.
The first year of high school, I lost my virginity to this boy who cared nothing at all about me. When I told Ranai and Jaiden they were so disappointed in me, but not more than my mother was. She couldn’t look me in the eyes for a long time, but when she finally did I was afraid of what she might say. All she said was “Be careful, the boys out here these days just want you for your looks, not for what’s amazing about you.” And all I could think about was how right she was, after that day I never dated another guy again, I turned gay. When I told my mother about that she didn’t talk to me for two months, and told me that I was a disgrace to the family. Ranai and Jaiden on the other hand just consoled me, and told me everything would be okay. After that I started hurting, burning, and cutting myself. When my mother found out I was cutting myself all she asked was why. I told her “I hurt myself so I can feel alive. It’s quite ironic that in life, the person that brings out the best in you and the one that makes you strong is actually your weakness. Sometimes if you love someone so much, it will actually hurt more. Jesus didn’t have to go through half of the pain I’m experiencing now. At least he knew he was special. I have no such assurances. I’m just another outbreak of the human virus which has contaminated Planet Earth, I’ve never felt that I’ve been valued to anyone. I’m just a waste of space that everyone ignores, like a ghost without a home. I’m tired of being made scapegoat in life. I feel like I’m being persecuted at every possible moment. Even if a kitty comes up to me I’m suspicious of its motives. I know it’s just there to make a fool out of me.” And with that my mother got up and tears fell out of her eyes, she left and went to work and never had a full blown conversation with me again. And with that I felt lost, I stopped hanging around Jaiden and Ranai, I started lying to my mom about any and everything. But all I was doing was hurting myself even more because lying to my mom made me feel less of a person.
Not telling the truth, sometimes I feel like I’m at the edge of a cliff, looking down at the crashing surf with nowhere to go but down. I just used to have these flying dreams and I was so free but now do I fly I’m afraid. There are telephone lines and electrical wires, how painful it would be to run into one. I wonder if I’ll ever be free again.
